My Personal testimony
Dear Precious Friends,
This is a very transparent story of one of the biggest pillar points in my life. God spoke clearly to me just before I traveled into the darkest and most painful season. I share this with you because God showed me a glimpse of heaven when He let me know that He would use my pain – for His glory. Knowing that He was there before the storm was the hope I rested in each day while holding onto His hand. That storm has passed and God has been faithful to His promise. He is good no matter what my perception of “good” is. If and when another storm blows my way, I will truly say that God desires to use each one for His glory. Our focus must be on Him and not on circumstances.
You may be in a time of uncertainty, pain and darkness in your own life. You may be desperate for a vision from the Lord as Ezekiel received. God is on the throne – God is Sovereign, and He loves to work in our lives in ways that only He can work.
My Greatest Fear Became Reality
BUT God encourages me
that it will be used…
that it will be used…
For HIS GLORY!
The children had been in bed for some time. Abigail was almost five, Kayla three, Brandon two and Christie seven months. Four children under the age of five called for a regular bedtime at 7:30 p.m. ~ sharp. It seemed that was my goal from the time we woke up. The days were fun and full, yet exhausting. My husband, Bobby, traveled and sang with the contemporary singing group NewSong. He had maintained the same grueling schedule with this band since he was part of their foundation (for twelve years); singing eighteen times a month not counting the days involved in traveling to and from their destinations. I knew this was his life and was prepared to be the wife of a man who was gone often. That never bothered me before marriage or afterwards because of my independent nature. But – with daddy gone more than he was home, I was left to care for the children alone – after long days, I was ready for quiet evenings.
On this particular night I had checked out an old movie from the library and chose to stay up watching it. Towards the end of the show the phone rang. It was too late to receive a phone call so it startled me as it rang. On the other end I heard a familiar voice, yet different . . . very different. My husband announced, “I’m coming home, I’m sick.”
He sounded sad, desperate and . . . sick. He was in Macon that night – about 1-½ hours from home. He told me of his plans to leave the concert with our friend who had traveled with the group that weekend; he would drive him home. I couldn’t imagine – did he have the flu, a stomach virus? He was fine when he left home earlier.
I turned off the movie and went up to the bathroom to freshen up – my practice always before Bobby came home. As I was putting on some jeans and staring at my face in the mirror the Lord spoke to me clearly. Yes, Bobby is sick – very sick. He is coming home to confirm to you that your greatest fear has become a reality. He has been unfaithful to you in your marriage and is coming home to confess that fact.”
OH LORD! Please don’t let that be true….but I knew. . . I just knew. Now I was the one who was beginning to feel sick.
Bondage to lust is a sickness.
It is a cancer that comes in
and out of remission.
It is deadly.
It seemed like forever as I waited for Bobby to come home. What would I say, what would he say – how would life be different?
I had drifted off to sleep when I heard a noise on my front porch – it woke me up and I shook with anticipation of what was to come.
The men quietly came in and our friend called my name. Wow – Bobby really must be sick if this friend has come inside with him at this late / or rather early hour. It was probably 1:30 a.m.
I went downstairs and sat in the living room – shaking. I wasn’t cold – I was diving quickly into the kindest, but harshest stage of grief….I was in shock and numb.
Bobby didn’t look well – he had been crying . . .
he was not the same.
he was not the same.
Later I realized that the drive home wasn’t an easy one. Our friend said Bobby had pulled him off to the side just before the concert. He had held in the secret of his sin for two months and reached a point where he couldn’t go another second without confessing it. He shared what had happened with this friend who was completely caught off guard with such news.
It was clear that Bobby had to confess to me. Confession to his friend is the reason Bobby called and the reason Bobby came home. They left the concert during intermission.
“I thought he was going to commit suicide right there in front of me as we drove home that night”, our friend said. I’ve never been so scared nor had he ever prayed that much!
When they pulled into our driveway, Bobby went crazy. The reality of his sin and now the consequences were more than he could handle.
Sin takes you farther than
you ever want to go and
costs more than you are
ever willing to pay.
If his family had flashed into his heart and mind before he committed his sin – would he have made a different choice? Bobby was CRAZY about his kids and LOVED his wife. But the enemy told him a different story – a lie! “You can have your “cake and eat it too.”!
Now the enemy was laughing – taunting him….Satan succeeded in pulling Bobby to his side and now left him alone to pick up the pieces.
Bobby couldn’t walk when he got out of the car. He fell to the ground as a child would who knew he had to confess. Not in rebellion to that call, but in having to take the next steps. He literally crawled up the stairs to the front door. It’s amazing the neighbors didn’t wake to see what caused the commotion.
Was this repentance?
********
Face to face Bobby stumbled through his confession. He really was a broken man.
In my numb state, wanting already to fast forward through this life-changing season, I confessed my forgiveness to him. At the time I thought if I quickly forgave, I could quickly forget. If I forgave real fast then everything would be okay. The three of us just sat and stared into space – now what??
Our friend left, and we went to bed. I woke up the next morning having to face routine and reality.
I had some calls to make. The first one was to her. I had to talk to her for two reasons:
One, I needed to know if she was pregnant. I didn’t think I could handle it if Bobby was “daddy” to a child that was not mine. The 2nd purpose for my call was that I needed to voice my forgiveness to her. Again – I wanted to hurry up and get it out and over with before bitterness set in.
Bobby dialed the phone (a bit unsettling that he knew her number by heart…ugh), but nevertheless, she answered. He told her that I knew and that I was on the phone and wanted to talk to her. I gently stated my purpose for the call and asked my question. She assured me that there was no way she could be pregnant. I then announced my forgiveness towards her. Her response to my statement was not surprising, but difficult. She didn’t say she was sorry, really didn’t say much at all.
The brief conversation ended. No more contact was made except when I bumped into Bobby’s experience with her in my heart – oh how that hurt! Betrayal is excruciating and suffocating. I pray that every time I bump into the memories, God will take me to the cross where betrayal took Him. I understand now more than I could before how jealous God is and how I hurt Him when I put another in His place!
After that, I called my close friend – shared my new secret and then chose to keep it from the rest of the world . . . my family, his family, other friends and NewSong.
We thought this was the best decision. Again – maybe if it’s a secret, it will go away!
We could patch it up and pretend it never happened.
I stumbled through the day – literally stumbled. I burned all of the meals, cried through the laundry, and went about in and out of a daze. I collapsed to the floor several times with the weight of our destiny. I didn’t want this to happen! “Oh God! PLEASE let me wake up from this dream!”
The next morning was Sunday. I LOVED going to church. It was a rare Sunday for Bobby to join us because NewSong usually sang in other churches.
When I woke up on this Sunday I didn’t plan to go. I didn’t think I had the energy to dress everyone and escort them to church. Then I had an idea - I announced to Bobby that I was going to church ALONE . . . all by myself! I needed to hear from God!
Bobby gladly encouraged me to do just that. He would care for the children and I could have time to worship by myself. Bobby would hurt me deeper than any one else could, then would come along beside me as a friend to help me walk through the pain…as if he was not part of it. It was very strange, yet comforting all at the same time! I ran to him for safety from the mean man in my life, and yet – he was that man!
On the short drive to church, I cried out to God, “I need to hear from you today – I really, really need to hear from you!” I didn’t know what was going to happen. I was really scared – four children under the age of five and now Bobby’s greatest fear had become a reality….we were a statistic ~ another marriage that fell into the hands of adultery. God, I didn’t want this! How could this be happening?!
I arrived at church, late. I walked in only to notice that we had a guest preacher that day. I slipped in (or so I thought) and took my place ready to “hear from God”. I didn’t dream God would make Himself known to me in a way that I would KNOW He had spoken to me . . . He actually heard my cry and chose to answer my prayer!
When the preacher got up to speak – he looked directly at me and announced:
You are in transition, but it will be
“For your good and His glory!”
Well – the prophet got that right – I was definitely in a time of transition! We did shift gears over that weekend in our marriage! Yet, I liked the hope given – the confidence God seemed to have – but could I believe Him in this? Was He really going to use this for good in my life and could He really be glorified through such painful times?
*********
Eighteen years after that pillar point in my life, I can honestly say yes, oh yes . . . I could believe God in this. Yes, He has used pain for good; and yes, I believe He has glorified Himself.
He is faithful – oh, so faithful.
The heavens didn’t roll back, I didn’t see God’s glory as Ezekiel did, but He spoke to me ~ just to me and gave me hope in knowing that He would be glorified. I could do anything knowing that God was on the throne of my life, and somehow it was all about His glory.
Because of God’s grace ~ His rainbow over our lives ~ He allows difficult times to come and will use them for His glory! I’m sure Ezekiel often looked back to the glory point of God in His life…..he probably replayed the part where the heavens opened and He saw God on the throne ~ to the point where He saw God’s glory!He never falls off of the throne not for one single moment. AND ~ God will use everything in your life for your good . . . and HIS GLORY.
“For all things are for your sakes, that the grace which is spreading
to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God.
Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying,
Yet our inner man is being renewed day by day.
For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory
Far beyond all comparison,
While we look not at the things which are seen,
But at the things which are not seen;
For the things which are seen are temporal,
But the things which are not seen are eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:15-18
